The problems with pauses.

I started writing on mystellavalentine to try and distract myself from the fact that I was restless and that there didn’t exist a page which wrote about fashion the way I liked it. Critical, with the highest res images one could find. This was in 2011. Pelayo Diaz was my inspiration and I wanted to create something extraordinary and beautiful and express myself in the language of my heart – English. 11 years in, and I find myself looking at something I really have not been able to do justice to. Lots of things happened, and having never really learnt to, I couldn’t keep up my focus and stick to this passion project that I so vehemently and excitedly had started from my bedroom in my parents’ house in Mumbai.

The entire landscape is different. Words don’t generate as many views as videos, the bloggers I used to follow are millionaires and everything’s #spon and I am tethering dangerously close to ranting here.

The fact that I live on a different continent now, surrounded by umlauts, and a culture that I sometimes still struggle with (despite half my family now belonging to it) laced with this constant sense of displacement has done nothing to sharpen my focus or to better my ability to see a project through.

I don’t know if I care about fashion and beautiful cellulite-less models in perfect images as strongly as I did in 2011; as a bright eyed fashion school graduate who wanted nothing more that have it all and that included peace of mind.

Ive come back to my beloved mystellavalentine because I still do love art and architecture, and fashion for me is still that… It is beauty in motion. If done right. And I still do care about beauty, maybe not so much for me as much as for my daughter. And Ive come back again because I want to feel excitement again, and feel like me again. Writing on this page used to thrill me, and now I don’t know if I feel thrill anymore because the sum of my life right now is set in duty and not necessarily in joy. I wish to write more from my heart. And this time it is not so that Stefano Gabbana liked or retweets my article one more time, but because I need this. I need my art to save me.

Fully aware that I may not have the time or energy to do this everyday, I intend to focus more on imagery. Most of it on my instagram profile. I will be coming back here to write when I have enough words of value bubble up inside of me. Until then.


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